Alcohol is an ugly thing. People drink to get drunk, because it's "fun", to escape their problems for that moment or forget their problems, for that moment. I had my first beer second month of college. It was the first time I got drunk. And after that I was hooked. I looked for it wherever I could find it and had many drunken nights where I'd wake up remembering only the first half of the event.

When I met my daughter's father I stopped. I didn't stop because of him. I had had enough of it because I realized how much it was hurting and not helping. When I first started drinking I'd just get so drunk I'd end up throwing it all back up and passing out. The last time I drank I ended up with bruises as big as a grapefruit and with a terrible cold.

Last year, I started drinking again. I was going through a very bad time and there was no escape from all the sadness and depression. I stopped when I realized I had someone to save me. Or so I thought. But then a few months later I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. I don't think I started drinking just because of the miscarriage. There were many other things that played their part...like having the worst possible relationship with my mother and brother and being hurt continuously by men. I just couldn't get over all of it.

Chris told me to stop and I did. I've had the urge to drink every week since then. But I just whiz by that aisle at the grocery store and tell myself, "for what?"

Now, my Chris has started drinking to the point where he doesn't come home until 5am or until the next day. We aren't together anymore but he tells me when he's sober that he would like for us to be a family again someday. I'd believe him but then he goes out the next night and doesn't come back.

He came home a few hours ago and, I admit, I exploded inappropriately. I started yelling at him and hitting him. I pulled off the chains he wears that I bought and gave him. And he told me to get out. Right then and there. He took the car keys and house keys.

I have nowhere else to go but back to my physically abusive mother. I really don't want to go back to living with her. It was hard enough to see her yesterday and have dinner. I know that once I set foot back into that house with my kids she will do everything in her willpower to take my kids away and turn them against me. She has her evil and dirty ways.

But where else can I go? What else can I do?

I am ten weeks pregnant and question whether I should still have this baby.
I can't stop smoking, which was never a problem with my other two pregnancies. I quit in a heartbeat but now it just seems so difficult.

It'll be a long while before I can blog again. And I don't know if living with my mom will give me freedom and privacy to do so. Do to anything. She makes life not worth living.
I do not want to go back to her.