R.I.P. Tristan Rain

Monday, June 9th, 2008 Baby Tristan Rain was lost.
I started bleeding HEAVILY late morning, so after I had spoken to the doctor over the phone I decided to go to the ER. And with much proding from Chris.
On my birthday I had already gone to the ER for medical attention and for the same reasons only for "them", the PRO'S, to tell me it was a Threatened Miscarriage. Not to mention a whole days worth wasted - ON MY BIRTHDAY!

But with blood clots the size of a kumquat (and growing) I thought it was more of an urgent matter this time. I arrived at the hospital....oh, I'd say around 2pm. I know they discharged me sometime not too long after 10pm.


As I sat in the waiting room I feaed standing up for whatever reason- going to the bathroom, getting a snack at the vending machine or a cup of coffee. At first I didn't take note of it but as I noticed the pattern I tried keeping myself entertained texting as much as possible. Anxious and nervous because I was running out of underwear to change into. I had packed 3 pairs of underwear and brought my whole package of pads. What I hadn't packed was extra pants but luckily that day I was wearing my dark coloured jeans. So, yes, everytime I stood up a gushing Niagara Falls poured out filling my pad and underwear in FIVE seconds. I'd run to the restroom and BOULDERS of blood would pile into the toilet. Sorry I'm being so graphic but it plays on my mind constantly. Mostly the fact that I flushed my baby along with those boulders in one of the many visits to the restroom at South Austin Hospital.


By the time I was seen and examined I had flushed everything out of me and into Austin's sewers.


What hurts me the most is that there was actually a LIVE baby within me in this pregnancy. At 7 weeks I heard it's heartbeat and saw its tiny body. Then, at 11 weeks it died.


All the while, in the back of my mind I thought, How do I explain the loss of a baby to a 5 year old who's ecstatic about having another sibling?
-Mommy, "Sweetie, mommy lost the baby."(?)
-child, "Where'd you lose it Mommy? Let's go look for it!"
no, no, no, no, no....that won't work.

-Mommy, "The baby didn't make it.It wasn't strong enough. Mommy isn't having the baby anymore."(?)
-child, "oh.................."

Sadness and confusion overcome her face. And I am more heartbroken. And although it was in the best interest of me and my two children, and the sake of the unborn baby to NOT have this child....I had accepted Gods Gift That I Couldn't Understand....I was in denial for a while when I discovered I was pregnant. But I was holding life within me. My daughter would sit at the table everyday to draw and if she'd include me in the drawings, she wouldn't forget to add a little baby inside my tummy. It was part of the family already.
And now it's gone.
Now it's us three.
Again.

~ "Que sera, sera
[What will be, will be]